


Hello Edgelord!: A Reylo Musical

by FelixAzrael



Series: The Reylo Crack Collection [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-10-19 13:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10640793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FelixAzrael/pseuds/FelixAzrael
Summary: Everyone in the First Order realizes Kylo Ren has a villainous crush before he does and all hell cuts loose - footloose. Prequel to The Spoilers Awaken.#recoveredfromthearchives #youknowicanwritewhateveriwant #itstoolate





	1. Scene I: Fucking Contractor

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I had a sudden urge to publish something I'd had on the back burner for a while due to the excitement from the TLJ teaser. Yes, it will incorporate elements we saw in the teaser and promo pics in a parodic manner. Yes, I am filthy, nerd trash.

 

It had all started on a Tuesday. Or was it a Wednesday? It wouldn’t have been out of character for that six-foot-two, perfect faced, walking trope to have first made his appearance on Hump Day. Either way, Armitage Hux had known that fucking contractor was trouble since day one. For someone who had the time to deviate from the Supreme Leader’s plan and go off on “special missions” Ren always managed to piss on the general’s progress some way or another. The brooding brat was either using his troops for missions irrelevant to Command or stepping on his toes in front of Snoke. Even the latter was forgivable. If there was anything the general sympathized with, it was stiff competition for the top. But when it came to the self-proclaimed knight, his holier-than-thou attitude was the quality that was simply insufferable.

 

Hux recalled with chagrin their first meeting. The rumors he had heard of the Supreme Leader’s lapdog had already left a bad taste in his mouth - something about him being some sort of dark but deep edgelord. But if Hux understood anything, it was the value of keeping one’s friends close and enemies closer. When he heard Ren’s lodgings on Ryloth, the planet they had deployed to, had been mysteriously destroyed, he decided to offer part of his own suite. Ren arrived in full costume, mask on.

 

“General Hux,” he extended his hand. “Pleased to finally meet you.”

 

Ren didn’t extend his own hand. “Kylo Ren, Master of the Knights of Ren.”

 

Hux had to suppress the smirk that was threatening to form at the corners of his thin mouth. “Very well. If you feel like loosening up a bit this evening, I know of just the right place. I’ll call up several of the best girls they have and we’ll have our own little party in my suite. A ‘getting to know you’ gift. My treat.”

 

Ren didn’t so much as move for a very pregnant pause. He finally spoke. “I am above such weaknesses as sex, general.”

 

Hux fought not to guffaw. Who  _ was _ this guy? He could not be for real. The general cleared his throat. “So what is it you’re into, Ren?”

 

“I am not ‘into’ anything. I am content within myself and my unfathomable darkness. I need nothing and no one but myself.”

 

All right. Now the uppity little pissant was just getting annoying. Hux ended the conversation quickly, making it as clear as possible within the boundaries of etiquette that he intended to bring two women of the night to their now shared suite and therefore Ren should probably find another way to occupy himself until the obligatory sock was removed from the doorknob.

 

He picked up two Twi-lek beauties from a more upscale looking cathouse and made for his suite, simpering and flirting all the way to the bed as he undressed. He pressed a finger one girl’s lips as he turned to place credits on the nightstand. Better to take care of this now than to be interrupted during his post-coital sleep cycle when they should be seeing themselves out the do-what in hell fire?

 

Ren was sitting cross-legged on his own bunk, deep in meditation like some sort of black-clad samurai space guru. What an idiot.

 

Hux cleared his throat. “Ahem. Ren. Ren!”

 

After several futile attempts to get the man’s attention, he rolled his eyes and turned back to the girls. “Ladies, where were we?”

 

But no matter how he tried, Armitage Hux could not get an erection with Ren just-- sitting like that! Twenty five minutes passed before the general finally gave up and sent the girls away, compensating them with half price for the time spent. As soon as they were out the door, Hux pulled the covers over his flaccid dick in a huff.

 

Ren came gingerly out of his seated meditation, wiggling his gloved fingers and boots, stretching. Hux thought he caught a hint of amusement in Ren’s modulated voice. “How was your escapade, General?”

 

“Uneventful,” Hux huffed.

 

“Pity,” said Ren. “Good night.”

 

As soon as their deployment ended and they were safely back at Starkiller Base, Hux sighed in relief. Thank the Maker, he thought, he’d never have to quarter with that pretentious prick again. He was hauling his standard issue spacebag back to his official quarters on Starkiller when a missive affixed to the hatch caught his eye.

 

ALCON: DUE TO BASEWIDE REMODELLING ALL OFFICERS AND CONTRACTORS SHALL QUARTER IN PAIRS AS PRESCRIBED IN AFFIXED LIST, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY UNDER ORDER OF SUPREME LEADER GARY SNOKE, FIRST ORDER.

 

Below the missive was a list of officers and contractors to be paired. Mitaka and Anders. Towani and Phasma. Hux and… As he read the name in horror, Hux looked up to see the named figure in black stomping toward him with a crumpled list in his gloved hand. The general swore he could actually feel the anger flowing from Ren, but shrugged it off as an overactive imagination and possibly projection of his own feelings. They stood facing one another in an epic staredown, Ren’s hand on his saber hilt, Hux’s on his sidearm. A tumbleweed rolled past them in the corridor. Then both men reached for their commlinks at once.

 

(To the tune of  _ What is This Feeling? _ From  _ Wicked _ )

 

Both: There’s been some confusion over rooming here at Starkiller.

 

Ren: But of course I’ll raze the galaxy.

 

Hux: But of course I’ll rise above it!

 

Both: For I know that’s how you’d want me to respond, yes. There’s been some confusion for you see my suite-mate is--

 

Hux: Unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether quite impossible to describe.

 

Ren: Hitler.

 

Hux: What is this feeling, so sudden and new?

 

Ren: I felt the moment I laid eyes on you?

 

Hux: My pulse is rushing.

 

Ren: My head is reeling.

 

Hux: My face is flushing.

 

Both: What is this feeling? Verdant as a flame, does it have a name? Yes! Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!

 

Hux: For your mask!

 

Ren: Your cat.

 

Hux: Your costume!

 

Both: Let’s just say we loathe it all! Every little trait however small makes my very flesh begin to crawl with simple utter loathing. There’s a strange exhilaration in such total detestation. It’s so pure and so strong! Though I do admit it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last! And I will be loathing you my whole--

 

Snoke: (blasts through the commlinks) Cut the shit!

  
Both: Yes, Supreme Leader!


	2. Scene II: When You're a Tron There is Nothing Like the Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking on more of a play format for this scene. Might go back and change the format of Scene 1; we shall see.

Scene II: When You’re a Tron There is Nothin’ Like The Girl

 

The scene opens in The Tron Shop, a section of the Finalizer housing a band of close-knit electronic technician troopers. They’ve been hard at work replacing the last two rounds of electronic equipment Kylo Ren destroyed during the past week. They are mostly men, but there is one woman in the bunch who can handle their nonsense. They are also joined by a newcomer, Matt the Radar Technician, who looks suspiciously like Kylo Ren in a bad wig and 1980’s glasses.

 

Matt: So… It looks like Kylo Ren must be having a rough week. I wonder if anyone has asked how he’s doing.

 

Zach: Kylo Ren needs to take a Xanax.

 

Matt: Well, maybe if someone asked how he was doing every once in a while, they might find out his inner struggles. Ya know. It’s pretty lonely at the top. He seems like a pretty isolated dude.

 

Zach: Yeah well, choose your rate, choose your fate.

 

Leslie: If Kylo Ren wants people to ask how he’s doing, he might wanna stop acting like a fucking contractor and quit breaking our shit all the time.

 

Phil: You can say that again.

 

Stan: Eh, guys like Ren don’t know how to be part of a group. They think they’re special. That’s why he’s a fucking contractor. 

 

Zach: Makes you kindof glad we got stuck in the tron shop, am I right?

 

(To the tune of When You’re a Jet from West Side Story)

 

Stan: When you’re a tron you’re a tron all the way, from your first death stick to your last dying day!

 

Zach: (puts his arm around Stan) When you’re a tron let ‘em do what they can, you’ve got brothers around, you’re a family man.

 

Tina: (rolls her eyes)

 

Stan: You’re never alone, you’re never disconnected. You’re home with your own. When company’s expected you’re well protected.

 

Phil: Then when Kylo Ren lands you in medbay, which you’ll never forget when they cart you away--

 

All: When you’re a tron you stay a tron!

 

Matt: It sounds like life serving beneath Kylo Ren is actually pretty good. 

 

Zach: I mean, it’s not exactly pool parties and barbeques.

 

(To the tune of There is Nothin’ Like a Dame from South Pacific)

 

Zach: We got sunlight in the base,

We got snow that makes us freeze,

Phil: We got lots of prisoners

You can throw right at a tree,

Stan: We got sabacc and dejarik

On a lot of dandy worlds!

What ain't we got?

All: We ain't got girls!

Zach: We get holos for GMT

We get chow and we get smokes

Phil: We get speeches from our general

And advice from Leader Snoke,

Stan: We get letters doused with perfume

We get dizzy from the smell!

What don't we get?

All: We know damn well!

 

Leslie: Oh okay. I guess I’m not a girl then. Very well. Ima just be over here havin’ my muffin I guess.

 

Phil: Aw, come on, Leslie. We work with you. We can’t think of you like that. It’d make things weird.

 

Zach: What you could do though is, uh, take one for the team.

 

Phil: Yeah! Go knock on Ren’s door and see if he needs his saber sheathed. Maybe we wouldn’t have so much shit to fix if he’d get some.

 

Leslie: (putting her hands on her hips) Hell no, I ain’t takin’ one for the team. Goth boy’s probably into some weird shit, like Force lightning.

 

Matt: (loudly) Kylo Ren is a dark lord. He is above such weaknesses as sexual intercourse!

 

The entire tron shop stares at him.

 

Matt: (His eyes shifting to his boots) And besides, what would be so wrong with just a little zap anyway?

 

Leslie: Matt honey, I don’t know what kinda women you been hangin’ around--

 

Matt: Witches of Dathomir!

 

Leslie: Oh okay. Well, you need to find yourself a nice, normal girl to socialize with. Ain’t gonna be me, but I’m sure there’s a girl out there who’s the other side of your coin. Just, you know, less volatile.

 

Matt: Please. Like I don’t have more important things to do than chase some girl around.

 

Zach: Matt. Dude.

  
All trons reprise: There ain’t a thing that’s wrong with any man here that can’t be cured by putting him near a damely, womanly, female, feminine girl!


	3. Scene III: How Do You Solve a Problem Like the Pull to the Light?

The stage is divided in half. One half, housing Kylo Ren’s Vader shrine in he and Hux’s shared suite, is darkened. The other is lit so we see...

 

General Hux waits in a meeting room, his typical disgusted sneer curling his upper lip. He straightens his lapel as he waits for his underlings to arrive. At last, Captain Phasma strides into the room followed closely by a scurrying Lieutenant Mitaka. The general invites them to take a seat, but remains standing, his hands drawn behind his back in a military manner while he paces the room. At last, he begins--

 

Hux: Thank you for coming. I know you both have work to do, so I won’t keep you longer than is necessary. But I fear something must be done about a certain someone whose actions have not gone unnoticed. In fact, none of us can seem to keep our eyes off the fruits of his labor.

 

Mitaka: (looking frantically from Hux to Phasma) All right, I confess! I’m responsible for the clogged fresher!

 

Phasma: Maker, that was  _ you _ ? How?

 

Hux: Idiots. I didn’t call you here to bitch about an overflowed water closet. I’m talking about Kylo Ren.

 

Phasma: Oh.

 

Mitaka: (shuddering) 

 

Hux: (misinterpreting their responses) Ah-ha! I knew I wasn’t the only person on this ship who can’t get the haughty, so-called knight out of his head! Now fess up.

 

Phasma and Mitaka exchange a look.

 

Phasma: He want his costume. Like, badly. It’s tasteful, understated, yet perfectly villainous in every way.

 

Mitaka: I get an awkward boner when he yells at me.

 

Hux: No! No no no! He’s a smarmy, arrogant, pampered, entitled, spoiled, self-centered Leader’s Pet with a God complex, and he must go down!

 

Phasma: But general… 

 

A Problem Like… (To the tune of Maria from The Sound of Music)

Phasma: He burns Force trees, makes lasers freeze

His cloak has got a tear

 

Hux: He struts aboard the starship

With arrogance his air.

 

Mitaka: And underneath his helmet he’s got 

perfectly coiffed hair!

 

Hux: I’ve even heard him pray to Vader’s helmet.

 

Phasma: He’s always pulled to the light

But his penitence is real

 

Hux: He’s always on his OFP*

For relics he can steal!

 

I hate to have to say it

But I very firmly feel

 

Kylo Ren’s not an asset to the Order!

 

Phasma: I’d like to say a word on his behalf.

 

Hux: Then say it, Captain.

 

Phasma: His tantrums make me laugh!

 

All: How do you solve a problem like Kylo Ren?

How do you keep a hutt from getting fat?

How do you find a word that means Kylo Ren?

A moof-milker, a nerf-herder, a brat!

 

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him

Many a thing he ought to understand

But how do you make him stay

And listen to all you say?

How do you make an edgelord like the sand?

Oh how do you solve a problem like Kylo Ren?

How do you hold a dark storm in your hand?

 

The other half of the stage is lit as the meeting room is darkened. Kylo Ren sits facing Vader’s helmet.

 

(To the tune of Hellfire from The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

 

Ren: Te ata, Grandfather. You know I am a brooding man.

Of my darkness I am justly proud. 

Te ata, Grandfather, you know I’m so much deeper than 

the common, vulgar, weak, Resistance crowd. 

Then tell me, Grandfather, why I see her dancing there? 

Why her smouldering eyes still scorch my soul? 

I feel her, I see her! Her hands upon my lightsaber 

are blazing in me out of all control!

Like sunlight, bright sunlight, this sunlight in my skin

This girl from my vision is pulling me to Ben...

 

Kylo exits his half of he and Hux’s shared suite, wandering out to the bridge to gaze at the stars. He senses Mitaka behind him.

 

Ren: Look at it, Lieutenant. Such beauty amid such chaos. In a way we are but smaller reflections of that turmoil...

 

Mitaka: Sir, preliminary reports have come in. It appears the droid escaped the planet aboard a stolen YT model freighter.

 

Kylo: The droid… stole a freighter?

 

Mitaka: Not exactly. It had help. FN-2187--

 

Kylo: (Beats the stuffing out of any and all surrounding electronics equipment). Anything else?

 

Tron: (peeking around the corner) Force damn it!

 

Mitaka: They were accompanied by a girl.

 

Kylo: (Force pulls Mitaka into a choke hold)

 

(Cue A Problem Like… Reprise)

 

Ren: How do you solve a problem like The Girl?

 

A spotlight appears on General Hux.

  
Hux: How do you crush an edgelord in your hand?


	4. Scene IV: Don't Be Afraid, I Feel the Love Tonight Too

The stormtroopers designated BF-0001 and BF-0002 (who were, in fact, Stan and Phil from the tron shop) stood at a half-hearted attention at the bottom of their Mission Commander’s private Command Shuttle. BF-0001 knew scratching his ass wasn’t befitting the First Order pride that had been instilled in him since birth, but he couldn’t help it. Damn if his armor didn’t chafe, and he’d been standing at attention for two hours now. He mentally kicked himself for making what had been, in hindsight, an obviously rigged bet with BF-0008 (aka Leslie) and reminded himself to never make another bet involving shuttle watch.

 

“So… you getting in on that sabacc game when we’re off duty?” He and BF-0002 had already exhausted most topics by now, but he had to break the silence.

 

“Are you kidding? Of course I’m getting in on it. We can’t let that EF unit hand our asses to us again; that shit was embarrassing.”

 

EF and BF stood, respectively, for Elite Force and Basic Force, although members of the EF liked to refer to the BF unit as “Buddy Fucker” or “Blaster Fodder”. The latter monicker rang a little too much of truth, and only added fuel to BF unit’s collective view of EF unit as arrogant dickweeds. Needless to say, there was much competition between the two groups, with BF unit especially motivated to win and EF unit seemingly always coming out on top.

 

“Not as embarrassing as missing every shot we fire. Fucking EF-2980 asked me if I was sure I wasn’t a clone after range practice the other day.”

 

“Oh that fucko. Like he’s that much better than us. Just because he gets one of those lame-ass spinning vibro weapons to show off with. Like someone couldn’t just walk up and shoot his ass while he’s spinning it.”

 

“Yeah, no shit. I’d pay money to watch that happen. Oh shit, Ren’s coming! Straighten up, straighten up!”

 

(Cue wedding version of Maria from The Sound of Music.)

 

Both troopers collected themselves and came to a respectable stance as the figure in black approached. BF-0001 thought he saw their Mission Commander carrying something strange, so he cut his eyes to the left. Was that…?

 

(The wedding version of Maria reaches its climax as Ren carries the girl across the threshold.)

 

They stared as Kylo Ren carried an unconscious girl up the boarding ramp and over the threshold of his Command Shuttle.

 

Following closely behind to resume his post just inside the Shuttle hatch, BF-0001 waited until Ren was a safe distance out of sight before turning to his fellow watchstander. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t we usually ‘put ‘em on board’?”

 

“You’re not wrong.”

 

“DUDE. Did you see that shit?” BF-0001 gestured in the direction their leader had strutted off toward.

 

“You mean Mission Commander thinking with his dick? Yup.”

 

“No Phil, worse. Him. Her. Alone.”

 

(Cue the beginning of Can You Feel the Love Tonight? from The Lion King)

 

“I can see what's happening,” sang Stan.

 

“What?!”

 

“And they don't have a clue.”

 

“Who?!”

 

“They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line, Supreme Leader is screwed.”

 

“Oh!”

 

“The sweet caress of twilight, there’s destiny in the air. And with all this trash romance atmosphere disaster’s in the air!”

 

***

 

Kylo Ren carried the girl into he and Hux’s shared quarters, gingerly setting her on his rack then tying a sock on the doorknob.

 

“Do you like music, Rey?” His mask reverberated, deepening his voice.

 

“I’m just a scavenger. We don’t have music on Jakku. You’ll have to teach me.” She smiled coyly.

 

He placed a record on the player. “First, my padawan, you should only listen to music on vinyl. This song reminds me of you.”

 

_ Can You Feel the Love Tonight? _ flowed from the record player.

 

“Your voice is so sexy, Master Ren. I bet you’re just as sexy under the mask.”

 

He removed his mask and set it on his nightstand next to his Darth Vader alarm clock. His perfectly coiffed hair he’d spent hours perfecting bounced into place.

 

She drew a breath in as her hand, seeming to have a mind of its own, trailed down her thigh. “Maker!”

 

He sat next to her on the bed, brushing a glove over her cheek as he whispered in her ear. “Tell me about the droid…”

 

“He’s a BeeBee unit,” she breathed.

 

“The map--”

 

“To Skywalker?”

 

“Forget Skywalker. I’m after the map to your heart.”

 

“Oo, Master Ren!”

 

He let one gloved hand join hers, sliding it beneath her pants while his other hand moved to unzip his fly. “Join me as my Dark Side Queen and together we will bring orgasms to the galaxy!”

 

The chorus reached its height as the scavenger yelled, “Yes, Master Ren! Yes! YES!”

 

“Sir, we’ve landed,” said BF-0001. 

 

The record screeched and Kylo Ren startled, his bulge uncomfortably tight against his pants. “Huh! What?”

 

“Master Ren, I’d be happy to lend my assistance with the girl so you can stand--”

 

“No need,” the warlord coughed. “Just gonna… gonna sit here and relax for a minute.” Ren’s cheeks burned fire hot through the mask he thanked the Maker he was wearing.

 

The tron stifled a snicker. “It’s really no trouble, Sir. If you’d like, I can at least adjust that lightsaber so it’s not stabbing her--”

 

“I said no,” Ren snapped. “Don’t you have targets to go miss?”

 

“Aye, Sir,” the trooper’s tone was flat as he walked away, muttering to himself. “Like I’m the only one who won’t hit anything tonight.”

 

***

 

“Name and ID,” MP-2747 challenged. He didn’t need Kylo Ren’s helmet removed to tell the masked man’s eyes were boring into him; he could feel the knight’s stare.

 

“You really… have to ask.”

 

“Yes, sir,” recited the sentry. “It’s my duty to challenge every person, whether in uniform or out, before allowing them on base.”

 

“Your apparent blindness and/or stupidity have been noted.” More than a hint of irritation tinged Ren’s modulated voice. The girl looked like she could use an extra glass or two of blue milk but even a buck twenty soaking wet wasn’t an easy load, and she hadn’t left his arms since the forest.

 

“Sir, even if you were the Supreme Leader himself, I would still need to see ID,” the sentry parroted the phrase he’d memorized in training.

 

The way Ren tossed his head back, the sentry was certain if the helmet hadn’t been there he’d have seen an impressive eye roll.

 

“BF-0002, reach into my left pocket-- No, my other left. How did you make it through Basic?”

 

“Apologies, sir.”

 

The sentry frowned. “Sir, you’ll need ID for her too. And does she need medical attention?”

 

Ren scowled. “She’s an enemy captive, Petty Officer. And she’s fine; she’s just in a Force sleep.”

 

BF-0002 snaked a hand toward the captive’s breast before Ren’s face abruptly turned.

 

“I will end you,” Ren growled.

 

The trooper jolted back to his position. “Aye, sir.”

 

The sentry cut in. “Sir, it’s standard procedure for the troopers to bring prisoners aboard separately--”

 

He could feel Ren’s glower through the mask. He inwardly rolled his eyes.  _ Fucking contractor. _

 

“But that’s none of my business.” The sentry scanned Ren’s ID, which according to the date hadn’t been updated in six years. It had two photographs, one with the mask and one with a dour looking scrawny young man with black hair tucked behind some impressive ears.  _ Well, this is one way to get himself a girlfriend. _ He handed BF-0002 back Ren’s ID, then motioned for them to enter the base.

 

As Ren passed through the gate he spoke. Loudly. “Thanks, asshole. By the way, if it burns when you pee and you have a discharge, yes, you need to go to medbay. You might pick up some rubbers while you’re there; they distribute them for free, you know.”

  
“How did he--? Petty Officer,” the sentry called to his superior. “I think I should report to medical.”


	5. Scene V: Commlink Hour

Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka frowned at the screen. No, that couldn’t be right. He’d have to double check.

 

_ Do not copy. Say again.  _

 

He waited for the response. And then his eyes widened.

 

He stood at once and looked around frantically for his work wife. Spotting her over on comms, he rushed over and whisper-yelled, “Lieutenant Towani. Lieutenant Towani! CINDEL!”

 

Lieutenant Towani looked up but did not remove her headset. She frowned and gave him a palms up gesture, mouthing, “What?”

 

Mitaka rushed over to her and removed one side of the headset from her ear, then began to excitedly whisper. 

 

(To the tune of Telephone Hour from Bye Bye Birdie)

 

Mitaka: Hi Cindel!

 

Towani: Hi Dopheld!

 

Mitaka: What’s the story, morning glory?

 

Towani: What’s the word, hummingbird?

 

Mitaka: Have you heard about Ren and the Girl?

 

Phasma: Hey Cindel!

 

Towani: Hey Phasma!

 

Phasma: What’s the story, morning glory?

 

Towani: What’s the tale, nightingale?

 

Phasma: Tell me quick about Ren and the girl!

 

Trons: Did he really get laid? Did he kiss her and cry? Did he keep the lights on? Or was he too shy? Well I heard he got laid.

 

Mitaka, Phasma, and Towani: Yeah, yeah!

 

Trons: We were hopin’ he would!

 

Mitaka, Phasma, and Towani: Yeah, yeah!

 

Trons: No more tantrums at last!

 

Mitaka, Phasma, and Towani: Yeah, yeah!

 

Trons: Better mood for good!

 

General Hux enters the room and jolts back in shock, cleaning out his ear and leaning closer to the Trons’ conversation. His eyes widen and he rushes to a comm system.

 

General Hux: Hello operator, this is General Hux, have you a report about the droid?

 

Knights of Ren: Heya, Kylo. Are ya stupid? What’d ya wanna go get laid for? You’re a dark knight. You’re the master. Above the physical--

 

General Hux: Hi Lieutenant Towani, this is General Hux. Can you get me word on the droid?

 

Lights up on Han and Leia on Takodana

 

Han: I just saw our son

Ben thinks Rey’s The One

 

Leia: If she’s got him hooked

Snoke is really cooked

Do you think he got laid?

 

Han: I was hoping he would

 

Leia: Coming home at last!

On the light side for good!

 

Lights off on Han and Leia

 

Hux: Hello anybody, this is your general! Someone better have found the droid!

 

All on Starkiller, except Hux: That’s the way it should be!

They’ll be happy, I know!

Getting laid is the key

To his character growth!

 

As the song died down, Phasma piped up, “You know, I really don’t blame Ren for this one. I’d do her. I’ll tell you who else I’d nail on the other side. That Jess Pava in the X-wing squadron.”

 

Towani gazed at her work husband. “I’m sure there’s someone for everyone, isn’t there?”

 

Mitaka gave her a wink.

 

*** 

 

Some peculiar scuttlebutt had reached the General’s ears well before he asked for a sitrep from Takodana. Whispers of Ren and a sleeping girl. Some lewd gestures typical of the lower ranking riffraff.  _ Fucking contractor, _ was the phrase that kept rattling around in his head. While he could not personally stand Ren and wouldn’t have been at all taken aback by the rumor mill’s implications about the self-proclaimed knight, as the Commanding Officer of the Finalizer he simply could not allow any inkling of disrespect toward a Mission Commander to spread. He traced the beginning of the rumor to its source.

 

Lieutenant Mitaka stood before him, not quite shaking but looking guilty enough he knew he’d found the appropriate party. “Sir, I received a strange missive today and brought it to my colleagues’ attention for, erm, confirmation of my interpretation.”

 

“Go on,” Hux sneered.

 

“It appears Ren brought a female prisoner back aboard his Command Shuttle. Presumably this is the same young woman who helped the Beebee unit escape Jakku.”

 

Hux paused, appearing to stare at something Mitaka did not see, then a wan smile ghosted over his lips. “So. Ren retrieved both the droid and the girl from Takodana?”

 

“No sir, the troopers reported he instructed them to ‘Forget about the droid’ and instead carried the girl on board himself. I suppose she’d probably seen the missing piece of the map to Skywalker.”

 

“Oh very astute, Lieutenant. Tell me, he’s going to get that piece... how?”

 

Mitaka swallowed. “Well sir, if I had to make an educated guess, I’d say he’s going to read her mind to get it.”

 

Hux made no effort to hide the derision in his voice. “Right. And then what the bloody  _ fuck _ is he going to do?  _ Draw _ the damned thing?!”

 

Mitaka scratched his head. “Oh yeah, I guess that is an issue, isn’t it?” 

 

Hux gave him an incredulous look. “You think?!”

 

Mitaka looked at the General for a long moment before opening his mouth again. “I should have come directly to you--”

 

“Well no shit, you should’ve come directly to me! Instead of running around the TOC giggling like a 1950’s school girl with all your little bosom companions--”

 

Mitaka stood straighter and called forth his thousand yard stare.

 

“--could have ordered a select team to stay behind and hunt down the droid while Ren came back with his little battle trophy but you decided--”

 

Mitaka held his position. This would all be over in a few minutes. Besides, if he’d survived the brunt of Ren’s rage he’d survive an ass chewing from the General.

 

“Now get the fuck out of my office and  _ do something useful _ !”

 

*** 

 

What. The fuck.

 

He’d told her, in perfect tune, she was his guest. He’d made sure the room was fully lit and the restraints weren’t too tight. He’d unmasked when she complained about the mask. He’d tried to ask politely about the map. Kylo Ren could not, for the life of him, figure out why things had gone south with such a swiftness in that interrogation room, but he needed answers and he was running out of time.

 

“She hates me. Why would she hate me?”

 

Every trooper in the p-way stared as the Supreme Leader’s right hand man muttered to himself while he charged down the hallway, helmet in hand, narrow, baby face bared before Force and galaxy.

 

“Sand. She comes from a sand planet. Should’ve told her how much I hate sand too.”

 

An electronics technician flinched as Kylo Ren entered his peripheral vision. His flinch soon turned into an open-mouthed gawk. When Ren was out of sight, he turned to his cohort. “Holy hair, Batman.”

 

(Telephone Hour Reprise)

 

Stan: Guess he didn’t get laid.

 

Phil: Oh shit.

 

Stan: Was too good to be true.

 

Phil: Force damn it.

 

Stan: Better warn the tron shop!

 

Phil: Moving!

 

Stan: Better sign out the tools.

 

Ren stormed toward the holo chamber. “Oh sure, Kylo, read her mind first. Don’t show off any of your other less terrifying skills. Like, I dunno, float some fruit to her. Starving scavenger definitely wouldn’t have appreciated that.”

 

He continued his beeline. “Was I flat when I sang?” He cleared his throat and tried his song again, “Whatever Kylo wants, Kylo gets. And little girl, little Kylo wants yo--”

  
He stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide. “Ohhhh no, it does  _ not _ connote the same thing when a guy sings it. That was too much. Fuck! Supreme Leeeeeeeader!”


	6. Scene VI: Ren Has It Coming

Snoke knew it was terrible news the moment Ren appeared before him without his helmet. As soon as his protege started babbling about some scavenger girl he’d found in the woods, he was peeved. Then the caterwauling started.

 

Ren belted, “Riffraff! Street rat! I don’t buy that! If only you’d look closer! Would you see a poor girl? No sirree! You’d find out there’s so much more toooooo--”

 

“Okay, I get it! You want to bone her. Good grief, why is everyone singing?” Snoke barked.

 

“Bone? Me? An enemy of the Order? No, never!” Ren shook his head adamantly.

 

Snoke rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

 

By the time Hux came in to tattle about said girl, he was officially done. When the general called him back again later, he might just have ordered the entire base blown to bits if not for his debilitating migraine.

 

“We are back on base, not deployed. Sharing quarters with a contractor is  _ unsat _ .”

 

“The SpaceBees are working on Ren’s new room. It won’t be for long.” Snoke rubbed his temple.

 

“Yes, but when  _ will _ it be done? I am not comfortable bunking with him in-- in this state.”

 

Snoke frowned. “I’ve heard the ground forces put a sheet between racks. So long as you keep the lights off, you shouldn’t have to deal with any awkward shadow puppets.”

 

Hux’s upper lip curled. “As vile as that thought is, it would be infinitely better than the current situation.”

 

Snoke sighed. Somehow he just knew this all led back to one thing. “This is about that damned girl, isn’t it?”

 

“Yes!” Hux shrieked, then remembered himself. “Yes, Supreme Leader. I don’t want the scavenger touching my personal effects.”

 

Snoke considered him. “You’re afraid they’re going to fuck in your rack.”

 

“No. Fucking, I can handle. You might even say I encourage fucking. Mark my words, the moment that girl realizes he is not, in fact, a monster, she’ll pull her trousers as tight as they’ll go, let her pert, little boobies bounce about in a low-cut white sleeveless shirt, probably in the rain. And then-- then they’re going to--,” Hux almost choked on the words. “ _ Make love _ .”

 

“Ew.” Snoke wrinkled his brow. “But she hates him.”

 

“Exactly! It’s just the sort of setup for passionate make-up--” Hux visibly gagged. “ _ Lovemaking _ .”

 

Snoke thought the matter over briefly, remembering a declaration Ren had made not two days ago about not being seduced. It had to do with Ren’s father, but somehow Snoke couldn’t shake the feeling the Force had managed to work in a heavy-handed dose of irony that was going to end up biting him in the ass. “It’s of definite concern.”

 

“Can’t we just send the little minx packing? She’s with the Resistance. She’s Force sensitive. You  _ cannot _ let Ren keep her here.”

 

“Oh Maker, no,” Snoke replied. “If she went missing Ren would flip his shit. Do you realize how many man hours and taxpayer credits we’re already behind because of his tantrums?”

 

“Unfortunately,” grimaced Hux, “I do. That does not settle the issue of Ren trying to shack up with a girl in our shared quarters. I swear if they  _ that-which-must-not-be-named _ on my rack--”

 

Snoke raised a rotting brow.

 

(Cue “Cell Block Tango” from  _ Chicago _ )

 

Hux: He has it coming! He has it coming! He's had it coming all along! If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, you wouldn't tell me that I was wrong!

 

Snoke: Oh Maker, can’t you tell me about it without singing?

 

The music continues as Hux speaks.

 

Hux: You know how people have these little habits that just get you down? Like Ren. Ren strutted. No, not strutted. Waltzed. So I said to him, I said, “You waltz onto my battlefield one more time…” And he did. Then he deflected two blaster bolts into a captive’s head.

 

Hux: He has it coming! He has it coming! He only has himself to blame! If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I bet ya you would do the same!

 

Snoke: General. The singing…

 

Hux: Now I’m standing in the Finalizer, minding my own business, when in storms Ren in a typical rage. “Your soldiers lost the droid!” He was crazy. But he just kept screaming, “Your soldiers lost the droid!” And then Navcomm ran into his lightsaber. Navcomm ran into his lightsaber ten times.

 

Hux: He has it coming! He has it coming! He only has himself to blame! If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I bet ya you would do the same!

 

Snoke: Is that it?

 

Hux: I met Kylo Ren from Chandrila about two years ago, and he told me he was above sex, and even though that seemed like a major stick in his ass we started rooming together. And then I found out, above sex he told me? Above sex, my ass. Oh no, he swept a girl off her feet and personally carried her aboard his Command Shuttle, then awkwardly tried Grandpa’s pickup lines during her interrogation! You know, some guys just can’t keep their awkward boners to themselves.

 

Hux: He has it coming! He has it coming! He only has himself to blame! If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I bet ya you would do the same!

 

Snoke: We have got to be nearing the last verse of this thing...

 

Hux: I respected Kylo Ren more than I could possibly say. He was a real figure of terror. Until he took off his mask and his perfectly coiffed hair fell over his eyes as he cried about some scavenger girl he’d only just met. I guess you could say we broke up because of villainous differences. He sees himself as a big, bad Renperor, and I see him as a tragic death!

 

Hux: He has it coming! He has it coming! He only has himself to blame! If you’d have been there, if you’d have seen it, I bet ya you would do the same!

 

Snoke: (rubbing his temple) Are you quite finished yet?

 

Hux: The Reylo scum, scum, scum, scum, SCUM! The Reylo scum, scum, scum, scum, SCUM!

 

Hux: HE HAS IT COMING! HE HAS IT COMING! HE ONLY HAS HIMSELF TO BLAME! IF YOU’D HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU’D HAVE SEEN IT, I BET YA YOU WOULD DO THE SAME!

 

Hux: Waltz. Droid. Above sex, my ass. Tragic death.

 

When the song finally ended, the Supreme Leader curtly reminded the general his rooming issues were not of galactic importance and he was wasting valuable time arguing, then sent him on his way. Unfortunately though, Ginger Hitler was right. Something had to be done the moment Ren returned with Princess Sunshine. As the general about faced, Snoke secretly hoped the Resistance would come and blow the entire base away so his misery or his migraine or hell, even just the damned musical numbers would, at last, end.


	7. Scene VII: Damn It, Jedi, Toucha Touch Me With the Force!

Scene VII: Damn It, Jedi, Toucha Touch Me With the Force!

 

Phil and Stan were not on speaking terms. They hadn’t been since Phil hit on one of the only female stormtroopers on Starkiller Base. One Stan had once described as his “future ex wife”. However, now that the scavenger had escaped the interrogation room, the estranged friends were forced to work together. It was, decidedly, not going well.

 

“Hydrospanner.”

 

“Here.”

 

“Power coupler.”

 

“The move I’m gonna put on your mom.”

 

“Don’t you fucking talk about my mom!” Stan yelled.

 

Phil rolled his eyes. “We don’t even have moms - we were recruited as toddlers. Quit being so sensitive!”

 

“Quit pushing my buttons!”

 

Phil held up an imaginary commlink. “Excuse me, Petty Officer. Yes, could you please send a butthurt report to section A5 stat? Yes, we have a hurt feelings incident that needs urgent care.”

 

Leslie snapped, “Dude, shut up already. What are you, on the rag? No one cares about your man drama.”

 

“I’ll bet you a galaxy full of Skywalkers otherwise, bucko,” said Phil.

 

Leslie scowled. “Really. Blocking the p-way arguing about your obvious sexual tension when other people are trying to work. How tacky.”

 

Phil and Stan both drew back in protest.

 

“Sexual tension?!”

 

“We’re both straight, Leslie. Take your slash fantasies elsewhere.”

 

“Then quit acting like a fighting married couple and do your damn jobs!”

 

The trons grumbled but left each other alone.

 

“Force damn,” Leslie muttered. “I have not had enough covfefe for this shit.”

 

***

 

Kylo Ren scoured the base with his troopers. This day was getting worse all the time. Ginger Hitler had gotten his way. Supreme Leader was pissed at him. The hot Force sensitive scavenger girl he had rescued from the murderers, traitors, and thieves of the Resistance had turned him down flat. He still didn’t have the map to Skywalker. And as if all this wasn’t humiliating enough, now his dad was up his ass. 

 

If he ever got his hands on that toilet scrubbing traitor he’d let go on Jakku… He was getting closer to the girl, but shit, there was his dad’s Force signature too. Of course. Maybe if he pretended he didn’t see him and walked the other direction, he’d get the hint.

 

“Ben!”

 

_ For fuck’s sake. _ Ren halted and slowly turned on the catwalk. “I told you it’s Kylo now, Han Solo! Ben is a lame name!”

 

Han pointed a finger at his son. “Listen, you little turd, your mother named you after a war hero who sacrificed his own life so that all of us could escape a galactic warmonger on the day she and I met. Your mother, who is worried sick about you! Now you take off that stupid mask, put down that trash lightsaber before it explodes in your face, and come home!”

 

“What do you think you’ll see if I do?”

 

“The face of my son. Who’s headed for a major league ass whipping if he doesn’t have it off by the count of 1… 2…”

 

“Okay, okay! Gaw, Dad!” Ren removed the helmet and the pair stared each other down for a long moment.

 

“Your son is gone,” Ren finally spoke. “He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him.”

 

“Yeah, that’s really dramatic and badass sounding, Ben. Where’d you get that gem? Snoke?”

 

“The Supreme Leader is wise.”

 

“He’s an ancient, shriveled up, coded child predator. You’re nearly thirty and in case you hadn’t noticed a younger Force user is here. What the hell do you think is going to happen?”

 

“It’s too late.”

 

“Quit that shit. Your gramps was a mass murdering, youngling slaying, daughter torturing fuckwad and your Uncle swears up and down he saw his light side Force ghost because he saved his life last minute. You’re good. Come home.”

 

Ben considered for a long moment. “I am being torn apart. I know what I need to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”

 

“Does it involve loaning you credits for your boy band?”

 

“No, Dad, it does not involve the Knights of Ren!"

 

“Then yes, anything.”

 

Ben unbelted his super sweet lightsaber he built himself and put it into his father’s hands, but held it tight. The two men struggled silently for control of the weapon. The light went out in the alcove.

 

Suddenly, Ren ignited the saber. He looked into his father’s stunned eyes. “Thank you.”

 

Han Solo reached a hand toward his son’s face. His mind was open to his son’s.

 

_ I love you, kiddo. But damn did you just fuck up. _

 

_ No! No, I didn’t! I am in darkness! I shut out the light! _

 

_ Bullshit. Your eyes aren’t glowing. _

 

_ What? They aren’t?! _

 

_ No. _

 

Ben’s father slipped out of his grip and fell into a vast, metaphorical light below them. 

 

As Han Solo fell, he sent one last thought up to his son.  _ Hey, One Boy whose given name means ‘son’ and who will not be seduced by the light. The Girl’s name is Rey. You’re screwed! _

 

As his father’s life melded with the Force, Ben stood in stunned silence, then his eyes widened and he gasped.  _ Mommy. _

 

A wookiee roared and a blaster bolt landed square in his side, knocking Ben to the ground. He clutched his wound and dropped to his knees. Suddenly, explosions lit the dark alcove and Ben looked up to see his Rey of Light, his only hope, with--

 

Oh hell no.

 

***

 

Rey, nobody scavenger girl from Jakku, stood in the snow gripping his lightsaber in her hand. Their eyes met.

 

(To the tune of Damn It, Janet from The Rocky Horror Picture Show)

 

Ren: Scavenger?

 

Rey: Yes, monster?

 

Ren: I’ve got something to say. I really love the skillful way you beat me to my family blade.

 

Rey: Rraaaagggghh!

 

She lunges at him and the fight begins as Kylo’s song continues.

 

Ren: The kessel was long, but I ran it, Jedi! The galaxy is ours, so let’s plan it, Jedi! Oh please don’t tell me to can it, Jedi! I’ve one thing to say and that’s damn it, Jedi, I love you!

 

Rey: WHAT?!

 

Ren: The ocean was wide, but I swam it, Jedi! There’s a fire in my heart and you fan it, Jedi! If there’s one fool for you then I am it, Jedi! Now I’ve one thing to say--

 

Rey: Please don’t--

 

Ren: And that’s DAMN IT, JEDI, I LOVE YOU!

 

Rey: Kylo Ren, I am suffering second hand embarrassment right now!

 

Ren: Here’s the Force bond to prove that I’m no joker! And there’s three ways that love can grow!

 

(Ren briefly looks down at his groin and Rey gives him a horrified look)

 

Ren: That’s big, small, and mediocre (he waggles his eyebrows at his large, red saber).

 

Rey: (still clearly embarrassed for him) Ohmygod…

 

Ren: Oh J-E-D-I Girl, I love you so!

 

(End song)

 

He sparred her to the cliff’s edge, leaning atop her and pressing his face in close to hers.

 

“You need a teacher! I can show you the ways of the worl-Force! Force! I can show you the Foooooorce! Shining, shimmering, splendid!”

 

“The Force?”

 

She strained to find it. He gazed intently at her, watching the lights from his sabers dancing on her face. The dark side and the light. It was magnificent. She was magnificent. Beautiful even. She relaxed into the feeling of the Force, allowing it to fill her body as he pushed into her. As she relaxed he pushed deeper, willing their minds to become one, searching, searching as she gasped in ecstasy. An image came unbidden to his mind, to their minds, of the pair in the throes of passion, him standing with her legs wrapped around his waist, tongues crashing, eyes fixated on each other’s, and then--

 

(“Toucha Toucha Touch Me from The Rocky Horror Picture Show”)

 

Rey: I was feeling done in. Couldn’t win. I’d only ever kissed before.

 

Kylo: (his eyes widen) You mean you--?

 

Rey: Uh huh. I thought there’s no use getting into heavy petting. It only leads to trouble and seat wetting. Now all I want to know is how to go. I’ve tasted blood and I want more.

 

Kylo: More, more, more!

 

Rey: I’ll support no Resistance! I want to stay the distance! I’ve got an itch to scratch! I need assistance! Toucha toucha toucha touch me! I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!

 

Kylo: Are-- are you serious right now?

 

Rey: Then if anything grows (she eyes his groin and giggles) while you pose I’ll oil you up and rub you down!

 

Kylo: Down, down, down!

 

Rey: And that’s just one small fraction of the main attraction. You need a friendly hand, oh and I need action! Toucha-toucha-toucha-touch me! I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!

 

Kylo: Toucha toucha toucha touch! Oh I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the Light!

 

A record loudly screeched as Ren’s careless mention of Rey as Champion of the Light broke the spell. Her fierce eyes suddenly opened. And boy was she pissed.

 

“Shit!” said Ren.

 

She surged forward and pummeled him relentlessly, herself now in the upper position.

 

_ We were making love! You loved it! _

 

_ Fuck you! _

 

_ You loved me topping you! Admit it! _ He fought to regain the upper hand, but part of him relished how easily she rode him into the ground.

 

“Harder!” he screamed.

 

A last effort. His groan as she spent his red saber in the ground. Her mark on his face as she cried out.

 

Only the ground itself could tear them apart, and from across the chasm, their eyes still met.

 

_ Call me? _ , Ren pleaded.

 

She bolted.

 

***

 

“Get Kylo Ren and leave the base at once. It is time to complete his training.”

 

No sooner had the Supreme Leader disappeared when Hux rushed from the conference room, panting and muttering under his breath as he ran to his shuttle. “Oh he’s going to be the death of me! Fucking contractor!”

 

Thank the Maker Ren was easy to locate using his tracking device. Sure enough, there the little fuckwad was, bleeding in the snow, staring off into space. Hux sent two medic troopers to retrieve him. They broke the atmosphere none too soon. As the troopers passed the general rushing Ren to the bacta tank at medbay, Hux swore he heard Ren murmur, “What a woman.”


	8. Scene VIII: Ren’s Favorite Thing

Scene VIII: Ren’s Favorite Thing

 

Phil’s ears rang, his legs ached, and he didn’t think he could stand. Smoke and the high pitched wailing of alarms filled the now blocked off corridor. He glanced around the crushed space spotting Leslie’s toolkit in one corner but no sign of Leslie. His heart pounded and his blood ran cold.

 

“Stan! STAN!”

 

He heard a coughing noise from across the space and spotted Stan, who was half buried beneath sparking electronics equipment.

 

“Stan?”

 

“Phil--” the other man managed to gasp.

 

“Don’t be afraid!”

 

“I’m not afraid to die, Phil. I’ve been dying a little each day since you shut me out of your life. And before we die I just want you to know…”

 

(Cue I’ve Had the Time of My Life from Dirty Dancing)

 

Stan: Now I’ve had the time of my life. No I’ve never felt this way before. And I swear, it’s the truth and I owe it all to you.

 

Phil: Cause I’ve had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.

 

Stan: I’d been waiting for so long, then I finally found someone to stand watch with me.

 

Phil: We saw the writing on the wall as our Mission Commander thought with his D!

 

Stan: Just remember you’re the one guy I can’t get enough of. So I’ll tell you something.

 

Both: This could be love because I’ve had the time of my life! No I never felt this way before! And I swear, it’s the truth! And I owe it all to you!

(End song)

 

Stan: Phil. Your father would be proud.

 

Phil: We don’t have dads. But thanks?

 

And in a flash, the duo was enveloped in a blinding, searing light.

 

***

 

Hux was seated at Ren’s bedside when he awoke. He had, with reluctance, applied a second round of bacta to Ren’s face as ordered and was removing the dressing. “So. Little minx kicked your ass, did she?”

 

Ren said nothing. He simply stared upward while Hux peeled away layers of dressing.

 

“Mister High and Mighty Kylo ‘I am above such weaknesses as sex’ Ren got his ass handed to him. By a scavenger girl. The very same street rat he personally carried aboard his Command Shuttle in front of Force and galaxy.”

 

Ren continued to stare, not so much as flinching at Hux’s rough handling.

 

“Which is humorous considering I was on the verge of writing you off as homosexual. Oh he’s just gay and doesn’t want to out himself so he puts on this stuffy ‘I’m an evil space monk’ show. But that would be understandable.  _ This _ … oh it’s just  _ too good _ . Supreme Leader’s little contractor pet is one of those sad sensitive men who gets fixated on women out of their league and chases them across the damn galaxy.”

 

Ren didn’t so much as blink as Hux removed the last of the bandaging. “Force Almighty, but you’re ridiculous! Look at this! Look at it! Your little schoolyard crush serves you up like a Life Day Turkey and you end up with this sliver of a thing that somehow makes you even more angsty and dangerous a dreamboat-- gah! Why do men like you exist?”

 

Ren gingerly brushed his fingertips over his face.

 

“Of course, it’s no matter! She turned you down flat anyway. So what exactly happened, Ren, did she not ‘feel it too’? Well, I certainly hope your little escapade was worth it. The Supreme Leader agrees--”

 

The general finally noticed Ren wasn’t looking away from him in shame, as he had previously done without his mask. The look on his face was almost wistful…

 

“Tell me, general,” Ren murmured. “In all your conquests have you ever had a connection that felt somehow... right? As though your minds were one and the same? Like you could sense her every desire, feel her every emotion?

 

Ren’s voice began to trail off. “As though you could see through her eyes from across the stars...”

 

Hux scoffed. “Ugh, case in point. Maker, Ren. This little villainous crush of your has gotten well out of hand. Pussy is pussy. You are beyond delusional.”

 

A fire lit in Kylo Ren’s dark eyes. He began to sing quietly, “A girl in white wrappings with sand colored sashes. Snowflakes that fall on her nose and eyelashes. Intertwined destinies tied with red string, these are a few of my favorite things.”

 

“What are you screeching about now?”

 

“Rey, a drop of golden sun!” Ren sang through a shit-eating grin.

 

He rose from the gurney and Force pulled the general up to him so that they were nose to nose then proceeded to close off Hux’s airway with the Force. “I am commandeering this shuttle, General Hux, so you have two choices. One, I can send you out the airlock to a swift and undignified death. Two, you and your men have exactly two minutes to get to the nearest escape pods.”

 

Hux’s feet kicked above the floor. 

 

“Hold up one finger for option one or two for option two.”

 

As soon as Hux held up two fingers, Ren unceremoniously dropped him. Hux began gasping for breath. The moment he managed to stumble to his feet, the general took off down the shuttle’s passageway and hoarsely yelled, “Get to the escape pods immediately! It’s happening! Ren’s gone off his nut! FUCKING CONTRACTOR!”

 

Ren commandingly strode past the panicking crew, who were pushing each other over trying to make it to the pods as an otherworldly voice sang triumphantly overhead, “How do you find a word that means The Girl? A scavenger, the awakening, the one!”

 

The music continued in the background as Ren settled into the pilot’s seat and calmly adjusted the controls to his liking. “Navcom, pull up the southern region of the galactic map.”

 

The First Order navigational computer did as she was ordered.

 

Kylo Ren closed his eyes for a few moments, then studied the map. “Set a course for Ahch-To.”

 

She beeped a query in binary.

 

“Yes, I know it’s remote and uninhabited. I have unfinished business there.”

 

The computer beeped again, her tone reminding him of the old Artoo unit that lurked around Uncle Luke's Jedi Bible Camp.

 

Ren couldn’t help but smirk. “Let me put it this way. Ever have any Artoo units come aboard and put a new load onto your system?”

 

The nav computer was silent for a moment then let out a low whistle in response.

 

“Exactly. Now let’s see how fast you can get us there. And get me Phasma on the line. I have an urgent question I need a female perspective on.”

 

Ren flipped the visor above him open and studied the mirror. He traced a finger over the hairline scar, about an inch off from where he swore he had felt Rey put it. He adjusted the new cape Snoke had sent along with Hux and allowed a smirk to form on his plump lips, murmuring, “Kylo Ren, you foxy devil.”

 

He belted, “When the snow bites, when the blade stings, when I’m feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite thing and then I don’t feel so bad!

 

With that, the Command Shuttle took off into lightspeed and disappeared.

 

***

 

Across the stars, Rey made her way up the steps of the First Jedi Temple, each step more uncomfortable than the next as Kylo Ren pumped fresh lewd images to her head, promises of what was to come, most, she couldn't help but notice, involving her breasts.

 

(Reprise How Do You Solve a Problem Like…?)

 

Rey: When I’m with him I’m confused

Out of focus and bemused

And I never know exactly where I am

Unpredictable as weather

Dressed in layers of black leather

He’s a monstah! He’s a creature! He’s a man!

Oh how do you solve a problem like Ben Solo?

How do you catch One Boy and pin him down?

How do you find a word that means Ben Solo?

A scruffy-looking nerf-herder, a clown!

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him

Many a thing he ought to understand

But how do you make him stay

And listen to all you say?

How do you keep a dark lord near the sand?

 

When she reached the man she knew to be the legendary Luke Skywalker she extended his lightsaber.

 

Luke: Oh how do you solve a problem like my nephew?

 

Both: How do you hold the balance in your hand?


End file.
